The Stuff: The Stuff of Badly Written Nightmares.

Image from comicartfans.com

This would be a hell of a lot scarier if the directors had given a damn.

...Okay, seriously, what the hell?

    Two unmanned, unimportant construction workers discover a weird bubbling substance in the middle of winter. They get the incredibly stupid brilliant idea to taste it and soon it’s sold by container to millions under the name ‘The Stuff’ (height of creativity, that one.) Ice Cream Companies world wide send in a badly-acted mole to get the formula, only for him to discover that The Stuff is an evil, mind controlling alien bent on taking over the world. Bad special effects ensue, badly written characters are killed in stupid fashions, and I’m left laughing at just how pitiful this film is.

    First of all, let’s just be clear; the idea isn’t entirely stupid, but it is incredibly lame. The idea of killer ice-cream is so kitchy that it needs clever writing and good storytelling if it is ever going to get off the ground. Such was the case with Killer Klowns from Outer Space which made good use of colorful visuals, insanely comedic writing, and good actors whose charm outweighed their stereotypes.

    That charm and fantastic writing was nowhere to be seen here. Ignoring the premise, the visuals were some of the ugliest I’ve ever seen (second only to Nuke’em High), and the writing was some of the worst I’ve come across. The Stuff looked utterly disgusting, even when it was presented in colorful containers, with method-of-murder being the only interesting thing it ever did. The story-telling techniques were non-existent with terrible pacing, poorly written characters, and some of the most inane movie-logic I’ve ever seen; seriously, if you saw some strange white substance bubbling up out of the ground, would your first instinct be to eat it, or call the CDC?

    Such poor presentation is only hindered by the actors.  The child actor was surprisingly okay, but the adults in this film were just comedically bad.  Mo’s faux southern accent, punctuated by one too many ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ triggered my gag-reflex more than once;  The dad comes across more abusive than authoritative, and Nicole couldn’t be more plain and boring if she tried. The corny acting on all sides just breaks whatever spell you’re trying to put forward, and leaves me feeling detached rather than entertained.

    My final thought on the stuff is that we are at the site of a tragedy.  Remembering the acid-cream pies from Killer Klowns, I wish the directors of the stuff had tried to have a little more fun with their concept instead of attempting to play it straight. With this in mind, I must dissuade those looking for a fun horror movie to watch this October. The Stuff is insultingly poor in production and presentation, in dire need of some pruning shears, and leaves on the most confusing ending I’ve seen in awhile. If the creators didn’t feel it was worth their time to make it the best it could be, it’s not worth your time to sit through it.

To prove my point, our next film is a little classic film that proves that quality can be achieved on a shoestring budget.

Next Film: Halloween.

Class of Nuke'em High: Ughhh...

 

Picture from johnrieber.com

Strap in, kiddies.

Our movie takes place at Troma High, New Jersey (named after the developing company...ugh) which is right next to, surprise surprise, a nuclear power plant. Being in such direct vicinity of radiation and radioactive waste has caused the normal reactions that B-Movie radioactive goo would cause (as opposed to actual radioactive material) including melting faces, complete 180 personality changes, and toxic sludge leaking in the basement. It gets worse when a group of former honor students who call themselves the Cretons start selling weed that was grown on the lawn of the plant. Hallucinations, toxic waste and a giant monster await the viewer in what is the most tasteless, disgusting, and downright cheap film I have ever seen. To put it bluntly, as B-movies go, it was just stupid.

The story is just non-existent. We’re not here to see a story about the troubles of living next to radioactive waste; we’re here to see our lead shove his fist down the bad-guy’s throat while high on Atomic Weed. We don’t care that the plant is being crooked with the media and hiding information; we care that our main villain just beat up a defenseless woman after they stole her purse.  This movie isn’t here to present a narrative, it’s here to shock and disgust you with as many ‘wtf’ moments as it can cram into an hour and thirty minutes. I hated every second of it and found myself painfully indifferent to who would live and would die in this movie.

Though my true indifference came from the fact that I hated everyone in this movie.  Our main teenage protagonists are either boring, gullible or, in the case of Harold, so sexually abusive that I he’s unworthy of his junk-set. Our villains are, well, villainous, but in a way that’s just too over the top for this kind of movie. I’d have believed that group of 80’s punks were selling weed and sold some grass that was radioactive poison; I refuse to believe it when said group is so destructive, so violent and so obviously breaking the dress-code and haven’t been expelled.

Because this guy would totally be allowed to keep coming to school:

 

I mean, who wouldn't trust that face?

Spike is just psychotic and would have been sent to jail ages ago; Gonzo, pictured above, would be carted off to the loony bin easily, and Muffy, who's constantly getting up in guys junk, would have been kicked out and pregnant twice over.  It’s like they took the most unlikable cliches about a gang and exaggerated them to become bigger and dumber than they used to be.

    Furthermore, and this is the death-knell for any B-movie, it’s just not funny. I may have laughed at one or two moments, but otherwise I couldn’t have been more bored as the movie played. The dialogue is stilted, at best, killing whatever attempts at humor this movie may have had. Beyond that, any comedy this movie could have salvaged was instantly dead the minute the Cretons invade the school and began destroying, shooting, and causing general mayhem. Guns in schools are not, nor will they ever be funny; I don’t even think it was funny back then.

With music that sounds like a STOMP reject, camera that is forever shaking and special effects that make a Punch and Judy show look high tech, I cannot recommend this film in good conscious. Mayhaps if the trash-scene is your thing, but it fails even at that. It’s boring, gross. pointless, and just painfully bad. If you want a funny b-movie, go watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space. If you want a teenage power fantasy, go watch Rock and Roll High School (you’ll get better music while you’re at it).

    Man, I need to bounce back from this thing. I wanted to go more obscure, but not anymore. I think I will set myself back to rights by looking at yet another one of my favorite films that just happens to be a cult classic.

 Next Film: Nightmare Before Christmas

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: In a world of Pure Nostolgia

 

Photo from funny-pictures.picphotos.net

As a warning, this one was done straight with little revision...I'll edit it at another time, when I have more time, but enjoy :)

Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of pure imagination….and five brands of crack.

    Willy Wonka, the greatest candy-maker in all the world (as the book and movie would have you think) has reopened his doors after ages of keeping them locked, but only to the five lucky children who find his golden tickets, hidden in Wonka candy-bars. Kind and humble Charlie Bucket, poor as dirt, isn’t getting his hopes up, but still wishes he could go. Than, lucky day, the boy finds the ticket and gets to go on a tour of Wonka’s crazy-candy factory along with four other bratty children. It’s a cautionary tale from the twisted mind of Roald Dahl in which a little boy learn a valuable lesson about being a good little boy.

    And for those of you wondering why I call Roald Dahl twisted, go read The Landlady.

    As stories go, you can’t go wrong here. What child doesn’t wish to find some fabulous secret? However, a cheery premise in bright colors conceals something much darker, though not as sinister as a friend of my mother would have you think. This is a story meant to not only to scare but to scare small children into behaving for their parents. The fact that kids who routinely misbehave end up at horrible fates (but still PG, as everybody is very much alive and nothing gory is shown) and it’s quickly followed by that oh so famous catchy tune we’re all familiar with.

    Speaking of music though, that’s an interesting thing about this film. It’s been forever since I’ve seen it, and I mean forever, but I can still remember every tune from it. And I don’t mean just the “Oompa-Loompa” repetitions, I mean everything. I remember “The Candy Man”, “Cheer Up Charlie,” and even Veruca’s little brat number towards the middle. Considering just how catchy the famous Oompa-Loompa songs are, that’s an impressive score. Your mileage ma vary on how good it is, but you’ll remember it.

    Getting back to the story, this whole thing would fall apart if we didn’t have sufficiently bratty kids and a convincing Charlie in the lead (I’m looking at you, Tim Burton.) Our cast of characters cover the whole range of just how rotten you can spoil your kids, and each punishment for them is poetic. And charlie is especially well done, as he’s much more realistic than the newer one. He’s kind, humble, and just selfish enough to be a convincing small boy.  It makes the ending all the more satisfying, even if strange.

    A great story is complemented by a great set. Everything’s alive with bright, kitschy colors once we’re inside, and all manner of interesting visuals greet us as we go on (like that famous tunnel scene on the boat (Holy crap, did anyone else scream like a little baby when you first saw that?) The pacing is just right, the acting is good (it’s Gene Wilder, of course it is), and it’s only real sin is that it’s tragically shorter than the actual book. It’s also not too faithful, which is a shame, and leaves out what could have been several interesting scenes. But, standing by itself, this is a great pick-me-up for a bad day.

    So, I would say that you should see this movie but you probably already have. This film isn’t just a cult classic, it’s just a general classic. It’s fun, happy, darkly comedic, and something everyone in the family can love.  While most of the actors didn’t go anywhere, it’s still worth a watch.

Alright, I’ve had enough famous-flicks. Let’s go a little more obscure, and little more crazy.

Next Film: Class of Nuke’em High

Donnie Dark: The Stupid Man Suit.

Best Line in a movie, period.

By the way, this one is rated R: not for the kiddies.

So, summarize Donnie Darko...ho boy.

            It’s the 80s (again) and this high-class, stepford community is coexisting nicely...sans Donald Darko, whose mental instability, intimidating smarts and misanthropic attitude have made him a social pariah. One night, after another fight with his mother, Donnie is called back out to do his sleep walking by a strange voice. It comes from a giant rabbit (rabbit suit, but still,) who tells him the world is going to end in about 28 days. Moments later, a jet-engine crashes into Donnie’s room. He’s saved, but this is only the beginning. As Donnie is forced (I think?) to do the rabbit man’s bidding, and watch his world break apart at the seams. As to how, or why it’s breaking, you’re better off asking someone else. I freely admit that, even after my third watch, I am still not smart enough to fully understand what’s going on.

            It’s liberating to admit, really.

            Confusing as the story is for me, everything else melds together well. The music and overall sound effects help create this feeling of being detached from the ‘perfect world’ we’re thrust into, likely letting us see it from our own heroes perspective. Even more interesting, that music and sound also helps us shift into a mood that’s darker towards the end of the film as everything slowly begins to crack. Overall, combined with the free-form camera angles, everything just feels off, somehow. It clashes with the white-class suburbia, and I ate up every bit of it.

            With our disorienting atmosphere comes out mostly-realistic characters. Most of them are interesting because they take a different approach to the rich-kids. Instead of being high-class cast-outs who listen only to mozart and such, we got teenage boys shooting glass bottles in a junkyard while running my childhood with the smurfs. It’s more natural to play these guys like true teens with access to better toys, but it also backfires by making them some of the most unlikeable people you will ever meet.  I hated Donnie’s friends for being utterly useless, for what they did to Smurfette, but mostly just for being colossal crap-heads.

            However, there lies one exception to all of this: Donnie. I am forever fascinated with Donnie, even if he is a jerk to his mother.  He’s obviously not a bad kid, as he won’t steal or hurt anyone of his own free will, and yet he’s clearly suffering from some severe mental issues in a society that just doesn’t know what to do with him. Add this utterly crazy and confusing series of events to that list of problems and it becomes insanely hard not to feel for the kid. Besides, he’s also insanely smart, and drops some of the most well-timed F-bombs in cinema history. 

For Example:

So, obviously, I really liked Donnie. I liked him so much that I wish he had been the center of attention more often than he actually was. This movie has quite a few subplots with the Jim Cunningham plot, the deal with Donnie’s girlfriend, and a few others. Now none of them are badly written, and they do all merge together in the end, but I just wish they had backed off just a little. I want more of Frank the Bunny’s influence over Donnie, not how much that stick-up-her-butt teacher has a hard-on for Jim Cunningham or how forced the romance between Gretchen and Donnie feels (sorry, I just didn’t feel it).  Maybe we would have gotten a straighter answer if we had spent more time with Frank and Donnie and less with with poor Churita getting picked on for her bad accent.

Ah, but this of course leads to the elephant in the room: the ending. Leaving out spoilers, I have to say that my confusion over what happened didn’t take away from how bloody well filmed the whole thing is. While I’m still scratching my head over the exact details, I was treated to a well filmed slow-pan shot with an absolutely heart-breaking rendition of Mad World playing in the background. It’s dark and tragic, two words that fit with the whole rest of the movie.

So, in short, this is worth a watch, but not casually. If you don’t want to think too much than don’t pop this one in, as you’ll be left behind very fast. However, if you’re willing to keep sharp and know a bit more about the theory of time-travel than I do, than you’re in for a treat. Enjoy the awesome 80s music, black sense of humor, and the sheer anxiety of watching the world come to an end thanks to the world’s most famous’ wtf’ movie made so far.

Now we’ve done aliens, Vampires, pretty men in tights, moon people, and depressed 30-somethings with no lives….

How about something Sweet?

Next Film: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: Witty Wonders of the World

Image from Rhymes With Geek: Top 5 Underrated Robin Williams Movies

            Before I get into my usual style of summary and criticism, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the recent loss of the amazing actor, Robin Williams. I had no idea he was in this movie when I picked it, and it hit me like a truck when I saw he had passed away.  He was an actor and comedian of amazing talents, one that played a huge role in my childhood, and I’ll always remember him as one of the funniest men alive. It was such a horrible tragedy to see his life come to this, but I think it best we remember him not for what happened but for what he was: hilarious, talented, friendly and a true force of nature. Oh captain, my captain, we will miss you.

            This was one of his funnier movies, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. The movie brings to life the extravagant and exaggerated war-stories of Hieronymus Carl Friedrich Baron von Münchhausen (who in addition to having a ridiculously long name was a general in the Russian army against the Ottoman Turks). The story opens in a war-torn, unnamed European city, run by The Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson (He’s as exciting as he sounds, sadly). Suddenly the Turks break with Jackson’s schedule and attack the town, and it’s up to the newly arrived Baron to save them.  He travels from one fantastical place to another to collect his gang of misfits, each equipped with their own fantastical powers, and come back in time to save the city. It is, in one short sentence, Adult-Adventure-Nostalgia on steroids.

            This is High Adventure at the purest level. Sultans, gods, giants and all kinds of other elements all collide together in this fun little mesh-mash. Director Terry Gilliam presents us two separate worlds. One is drab and ‘Right Ordinary’, where wars are run on a schedule and soldiers are executed for being heroes. The other world is colorful and runs on the logic of a child, with long-haired goddesses (Uma Thurman), hilarious Italian moon people (Robin Williams & Valentina Cortese) and so much more. Even more curious, there’s this sad undertone to all this whimsy. The baron himself and his servants are all dying in this world of the logical and science. There isn’t any room to dream, thus, no room for them.

            A big point in this film’s favor is the humor. It’s gets downright raunchy at moments but comes at an angle of infantile cluelessness. It stems from our wonderful cast, who I am sure took some pointers from Monty Python (kinda have to since Eric Idle’s in the mix.) John Neville’s Baron Munchausen has a great way of portraying a hero of the older days: comically exuberant, always ready with a rose for fair-maiden, and sad to see the world leave him in the dust. Our supporting character, Sally Salt (Sarah Polley) is by far the best straight man I’ve seen in awhile.  It’s her desire to see the end of the story that proves that the world still cares for the baron’s kind of story, no matter how drenched in realism we found ourselves.

            Altogether, the skillful acting, amazing scenery, and nonsensical situations create a very wild ride that is worth a watch. Get your friend and grab some popcorn for what will be one of the more fantastical things you’ve seen, but be prepared to sit for awhile. This was along film, as it had several different situations to get through (but it flushed everything out, fancy that.) It was extremely funny, eye-popping, and great for someone looking for a casual watch.

            So, where to now? We covered slightly obscure, massive favorites and even something for the good ole’ UK. But I notice most of my picks have been stuck between the 80s and 90s.  We’re going to try something much more modern this time...and a helluva lot more confusing.

Next Film: Donnie Darko

Killer Klowns From Outer Space: Kost-effective Kure for Klown-a-Phobia

 

They have their own theme song...what are you waiting for?!

This is the second monster movie I’ve watched that took place in California. Is there something going on there that ole’ sunny Cali isn’t telling us?

            Specifically our little story takes place in Crescent Cove, California, where a suspicious shooting star interrupts what would otherwise be a goofy and awkward totally hot makeout between our main characters, Michael and Debbie. Mike and Debbie in typical horror-movie-induced stupidity go to investigate find that their town is now in danger from alien clowns Klowns. The Klowns are here to murder, collect, and snack on innocent civilians, so it’s up to Mike, Debbie, and Debbie’s ex-boyfriend/cop to stop them in what is one glorious horror-comedy.

            In movies like this the story is both non-important and a saving grace. I say non-important because looking for plot holes and logic in a movie about alien clowns would be missing the point.  However, it’s also a saving grace because it just continues to dive deeper and deeper into absurdism as it goes. We get lots of ‘you be dead’ scenes in which the Klowns kill and capture townsfolk in increasingly dark-comedic fashions, and I always give credit to a movie that rewards people who mark smart decisions in a crisis. And it’s somehow insanely fun to watch our main cast of characters scramble about like little ants.

            Ah, but here comes the nit-picking I must do as practice. For while the movie flows seamlessly, it has two points that almost dragged it down. One of those was Chief Officer Mooney, whose blatant negligence towards emergency calls (did it not cross his mind that we could be dealing with serial killers dressed as circus clowns?)  and obvious brutality against the youngsters would have gotten him fired ages ago. But, thankfully, David being the smart and responsible cop in the movie balances that out and just makes Mooney murder-fodder for later on (and it’s especially hilarious, trust me).

            The other thing was, sad to say, Debbie. I had high hopes for blondie when I saw her, as she was smart enough to realize that a circus tent in the middle of nowhere (that happens to look like the skittle version of love-craft on the inside) is likely unsafe, especially when you see it just after you saw something weird in the sky. But her smart decisions were not due to last as she fell into the obligatory role of damsel in distress.  In the movie’s defense, this does add to the overall b-movie feel of everything, but I just felt disappointed. It would have been kick-ass for the girlfriend to be the smart one who takes the lead instead of her boyfriend.

            Overall it won’t ruin the experience, and I say you have to see this movie. This is the crazy-awesome at it’s finest, with some of the best comedic timing I ever seen in a film. It has better acting than a film called Killer Klowns deserves, decent special effects for its time, and stays internally consistent through most of the movie. Ignoring the fancy-critical approach, it’ just a damn funny movie that’s best enjoyed late at night with a buddy and a bowl of popcorn.

            Now then, let’s see. We went from the well known, to box-office, to teen, and to obscure. What next...how about something British?

Next Review: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen