The Stuff: The Stuff of Badly Written Nightmares.

Image from comicartfans.com

This would be a hell of a lot scarier if the directors had given a damn.

...Okay, seriously, what the hell?

    Two unmanned, unimportant construction workers discover a weird bubbling substance in the middle of winter. They get the incredibly stupid brilliant idea to taste it and soon it’s sold by container to millions under the name ‘The Stuff’ (height of creativity, that one.) Ice Cream Companies world wide send in a badly-acted mole to get the formula, only for him to discover that The Stuff is an evil, mind controlling alien bent on taking over the world. Bad special effects ensue, badly written characters are killed in stupid fashions, and I’m left laughing at just how pitiful this film is.

    First of all, let’s just be clear; the idea isn’t entirely stupid, but it is incredibly lame. The idea of killer ice-cream is so kitchy that it needs clever writing and good storytelling if it is ever going to get off the ground. Such was the case with Killer Klowns from Outer Space which made good use of colorful visuals, insanely comedic writing, and good actors whose charm outweighed their stereotypes.

    That charm and fantastic writing was nowhere to be seen here. Ignoring the premise, the visuals were some of the ugliest I’ve ever seen (second only to Nuke’em High), and the writing was some of the worst I’ve come across. The Stuff looked utterly disgusting, even when it was presented in colorful containers, with method-of-murder being the only interesting thing it ever did. The story-telling techniques were non-existent with terrible pacing, poorly written characters, and some of the most inane movie-logic I’ve ever seen; seriously, if you saw some strange white substance bubbling up out of the ground, would your first instinct be to eat it, or call the CDC?

    Such poor presentation is only hindered by the actors.  The child actor was surprisingly okay, but the adults in this film were just comedically bad.  Mo’s faux southern accent, punctuated by one too many ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ triggered my gag-reflex more than once;  The dad comes across more abusive than authoritative, and Nicole couldn’t be more plain and boring if she tried. The corny acting on all sides just breaks whatever spell you’re trying to put forward, and leaves me feeling detached rather than entertained.

    My final thought on the stuff is that we are at the site of a tragedy.  Remembering the acid-cream pies from Killer Klowns, I wish the directors of the stuff had tried to have a little more fun with their concept instead of attempting to play it straight. With this in mind, I must dissuade those looking for a fun horror movie to watch this October. The Stuff is insultingly poor in production and presentation, in dire need of some pruning shears, and leaves on the most confusing ending I’ve seen in awhile. If the creators didn’t feel it was worth their time to make it the best it could be, it’s not worth your time to sit through it.

To prove my point, our next film is a little classic film that proves that quality can be achieved on a shoestring budget.

Next Film: Halloween.

The Big Chill; The Sober End to College Craze.

-from FunniestMemes.com, image by Scott Adams

            Michael, Meg, Harold, Sarah, Nicolas Sam, and Karen haven’t seen each other since college. Fate decides to intervene with the death of their close friend, Alex, giving all of them the excuse they apparently needed to seek each other out. But getting together has some unintended consequences as old tensions and old feelings come to light with blunt honesty.  Now that the gang’s all back together it’s time to talk about the past, reevaluate your life, and only get minimal restitution from it.

            Now, take that statement in step, as this movie is most certainly not speaking to my generation. In fact, as someone who hasn’t graduated, gotten a full time job and developed a full life, I am quite confident that I am the last person this film was aiming for; but here I am.

The plot is cynical, tempered with lots of regret and shame. Life has not turned out in the way any of these guys pictured, and that hits them just as hard (if not harder) than the death of Alex. Seeing each other again is less than pleasant as it seems to just remind all of them of what they used to be. In a way, it makes you question if the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia are ever really healthy.

            And then...it’s done. This comes to one of my biggest problems with this film as it just ends with no real resolution.  Now everyone walks away with a better idea of what they’ve done, but only a few of our characters are leaving any different than when they came. Maybe this is the more realistic ending, but it hardly leaves the viewer feeling accomplished or satisfied. The end just comes out of nowhere, cutting you off from the characters and leaving you to wonder what, if anything, did they ever really solve

Once again, the story is just a framing device for our seven very distinct, very well written characters: We have Meg, a snarky Lawyer who acts like she has a biological time-bomb instead of a clock; We have Nicolas, a war veteran with ‘damaged equipment’ who never found his niche in life; Michael, a journalist who claims to know everything while attempting to sleep with any woman in the room; Sam, whose life as a James Bond clone has been plagued by family problems and self-esteem issues; Harold and Sarah, married and content with life but still rebounding from a bump in the road; and finally, Karen, a mother who has become the antithesis of her college self thanks to a sensible husband with the sensible job. Each of them is written and acted well with great dialogue, but I felt estranged from each of them.

While I didn't feel too much of a connection with any of our characters, I still think you should see this movie. It has some genuinely funny and touching moments with great pacing, and you can't go wrong with a great soundtrack like this. While the film will speak much louder to an older generation, it'll still give you something worth thinking about for later in life.

Next Review: Lost Boys