The Stuff: The Stuff of Badly Written Nightmares.

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This would be a hell of a lot scarier if the directors had given a damn.

...Okay, seriously, what the hell?

    Two unmanned, unimportant construction workers discover a weird bubbling substance in the middle of winter. They get the incredibly stupid brilliant idea to taste it and soon it’s sold by container to millions under the name ‘The Stuff’ (height of creativity, that one.) Ice Cream Companies world wide send in a badly-acted mole to get the formula, only for him to discover that The Stuff is an evil, mind controlling alien bent on taking over the world. Bad special effects ensue, badly written characters are killed in stupid fashions, and I’m left laughing at just how pitiful this film is.

    First of all, let’s just be clear; the idea isn’t entirely stupid, but it is incredibly lame. The idea of killer ice-cream is so kitchy that it needs clever writing and good storytelling if it is ever going to get off the ground. Such was the case with Killer Klowns from Outer Space which made good use of colorful visuals, insanely comedic writing, and good actors whose charm outweighed their stereotypes.

    That charm and fantastic writing was nowhere to be seen here. Ignoring the premise, the visuals were some of the ugliest I’ve ever seen (second only to Nuke’em High), and the writing was some of the worst I’ve come across. The Stuff looked utterly disgusting, even when it was presented in colorful containers, with method-of-murder being the only interesting thing it ever did. The story-telling techniques were non-existent with terrible pacing, poorly written characters, and some of the most inane movie-logic I’ve ever seen; seriously, if you saw some strange white substance bubbling up out of the ground, would your first instinct be to eat it, or call the CDC?

    Such poor presentation is only hindered by the actors.  The child actor was surprisingly okay, but the adults in this film were just comedically bad.  Mo’s faux southern accent, punctuated by one too many ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ triggered my gag-reflex more than once;  The dad comes across more abusive than authoritative, and Nicole couldn’t be more plain and boring if she tried. The corny acting on all sides just breaks whatever spell you’re trying to put forward, and leaves me feeling detached rather than entertained.

    My final thought on the stuff is that we are at the site of a tragedy.  Remembering the acid-cream pies from Killer Klowns, I wish the directors of the stuff had tried to have a little more fun with their concept instead of attempting to play it straight. With this in mind, I must dissuade those looking for a fun horror movie to watch this October. The Stuff is insultingly poor in production and presentation, in dire need of some pruning shears, and leaves on the most confusing ending I’ve seen in awhile. If the creators didn’t feel it was worth their time to make it the best it could be, it’s not worth your time to sit through it.

To prove my point, our next film is a little classic film that proves that quality can be achieved on a shoestring budget.

Next Film: Halloween.

The Man Who Fell to Earth: Eyes Wide Shut

   

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You see this? Do you feel uncomfortable? You should, they were having sex ten seconds ago.

 I’m a day late, but I needed a moment to really collect my thoughts on this one. It was an experience that warranted more than a minute’s worth of meditation.

    Thomas Jerome Newton is a humanoid alien, come to earth to save his planet from a terrible drought. He quickly amasses a giant amount of money to fund the project, mystifying and entrancing the people who comes into contact with. But the vulnerable alien soon finds himself caught up in the web of trouble, addicted to Television, alcohol, and lost in a world of values and edifices that will do their best to drag him down. It’s a meditative piece about our world, caught up in it’s surrealist imagery and creative camera angles. If true art is truly incomprehensible, this is certainly the latter...I’m not sure about the former.

    The story itself is not my source of agitation. The idea is based off a novel by Walter Tevis, and actually as an interesting piece of science fiction. It’s not the first time we’ve postulated how our society would utterly wreck a being from another planet (won’t be the last) and it could be an interesting character study. The idea stands on it’s own just fine, and I’m actually considering going to find the book.

    What doesn’t work is the execution. The story, quite frankly, drags its feet for hours on end, while presenting an incomprehensible series of surreal images that were probably meant to be deep in some fashion. I was either bored, a movie quality to be downright sinful in cinema, or confused most of the time as the story attempted to unfold in front of me.

    When the film wasn’t boring, or just unintelligible, it was beset with awkward nudity. I have now seen all the naked David Bowie that I probably ever will, and found myself having the exact opposite response I expected. While I don’t expect all nudity to be portrayed as erotic, I certainly don’t expect it to be seen as so clumsy, awkward, and uncomfortable. It felt voyeuristic, likely the intention, but it made things incredibly uncomfortable. Besides, no one wants the naked coital couple to suddenly turn and look at the camera: the shame will never leave you.

    It’s all a shame, really, because the actors involved are quite good. David Bowie, as always, is stunning in his ability to portray incredibly complex characters as he did with Tommy. He’s so fragile, and yet mysterious and unnerving in his childish ways. Rip Torn as Bryce is an interesting study in both a mid-life crisis and a conflict of interesting. But all the good acting in the world can’t make up for an utterly sluggish pace, mixed-message metaphors, and a style that just leaves the audience far, far behind.

    In short, I found it mildly pretentious, incredibly awkward, and beyond confusing. I imagine someone who’s more knowledgeable in surrealist expression and ‘true art’ would likely know it better than me, but I gave up. That said, I can still recommend the movie to a select crowd of people. If you like out of your head experiences, deep philosophical musings, and have a taste for the bizzare, go for it at least once. Those looking for a fun, casual experience...try something else. So, overall, not for everybody, but not an abomination of cinema.

   

Next Film: The Stuff